Self-care, really?

Since this is my first blog post I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm a 37 year old woman living in Portland, Oregon. I'm married and have 3 children. 1 of our own, and 2 that we foster. (We plan on becoming their legal guardians and that's another blog post called: stop asking when we will adopt!) I work for Nike and am the breadwinner in our family. My husband founded and runs a non-profit for kids experiencing disabilities, coaches High School basketball AND is a stay at home dad to our 3 children! He's basically Super-dad, however he still stinks at the dishes. You could say we've got some role-reversal "issues"in our home when it comes to who does what, but we work it out. And sometimes, the shit just doesn't get done.
I'm a pretty open and put-it-all out there kinda gal which is why I'm going to start this blog. Recently I put a post up on Facebook and put it out it out there the struggles I/we've been facing at home. It was really helpful to read all the responses from other women who thanked me for sharing my story and being so open. Facebook, Instagram and all the social media platforms tend to show the good side of life. Every once in a while, I like to share the other side too.

Let me rewind, last March we fearlessly* (see my definition at the end) jumped into fostering.  After discussing it with my husband and daughter for about a year, finally our daughter said "would you guys just do it already!" And so it began. We reached out to a friend we knew worked in the field, and it turns out she was the Director of CPS for a tribe here in Oregon. She helped us through the process and answered all of our questions. The process seems like it went so fast, and before we knew it our little 18 month old girl came waking into our home with a big smile on her face and climbed up on a chair.  My daughter and I looked at each other and said "Wow! She's strong!"
10 months blazed by and one day we got a call from the tribe.  It seems as though our little girls birth mom had another baby, and they wanted to see if we would be willing to take him. After talking it over that evening we both decided to say YES! I finally got my boy!
And just like that-- BAM! Family of 5.
Nothing would prepare us for the growing pains we were about to endure. Most women and couples have 9 months to prepare. We had 24 hours. Our little guy wasn't born in Portland, and he was in the hands of great nurses, but otherwise alone. We drove an hour and a half every day for 9 days to visit him until he gained enough weight to come home. I can remember the night before he came to be with us, thinking as I fell asleep that this would be my last peaceful nights sleep so I'd better enjoy it! I was right, and I'm glad I did.
My friend and I were discussing the other day how our brains must forget how hard it was the first year, or we would never have another baby and the human race would die off!! But we forget...we forget about pain of PURE exhaustion. The sour smell of throw up that's made your shirt crusty, and you have to think if your remembered to brush your teeth today.
Seriously, we must forget!
As I'm finishing up the end of my maternity leave I must say I'm looking forward to getting back to work. At my job we have reviews. I have bosses that give me evaluations and constant feedback about my performance. At home, my only benchmarks are how happy my kids are, and I know it's sick and wrong, but I judge myself by how clean my house is. When the kids have been going non-stop all day and I'm running on 4 hours sleep, or less, there are times where I think I should get a "needs improvement" on my review and I feel like a failure.
It's true. And it's a horrible feeling.

I know it's completely irrational and I'll working on my self-talk and trying to be nicer to myself.
For today, all my kids we're bathed, kissed & hugged, and ate a really good dinner that I made! And I even showered!

But for my self care, I remembered to set up to the coffee for tomorrow morning, and today I'm trying to be nice to myself.
Some people think self care is about taking a bubble bath or getting a massage, but sometimes it's just about setting myself up for success tomorrow when I do this shit all over again.

Seriously to all the stay at home parents out there : MAD RESPECT. I bow down to you.



*fearless: courage isn't the absence of fear. It's knowing you're afraid and doing it anyway.